HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Now I’m not necessarily complaining and I don’t want to be coy

But Halloween has changed a bit since I was a little boy.

Back then the candy bars were bigger and the costumes less complex

Today the candy comes in littler pieces and there’s quite a bit more sex.

We’d cut two eyes out of an old used sheet and voila- we were a ghost.

There was always a competition for candy- to see who got the most.

If there was a house on our street whose candy we thought was prime

We’d wait a few minutes, exchange costumes, then go back a second time.

When we got home we’d pour our candy out, we’d smell, we’d open and we’d lick

We’d eat until we were made to stop, or until we all got sick.

Yes, Halloween used to be about the children, it was a cherished holiday

But recently the adults of the world have taken it away.

Before the children stayed up late now they’re put to bed instead

Because Adult Halloween doesn’t get started until the kids are all in bed.

At an adult Halloween party as I’m sure you are aware

There’s beer and wine, very little candy and cleavage everywhere.

Sexy costumes are now the norm, much sexier than way back when

But have you noticed they’re only sexier for the women not the men?

For instance women have the Twerkin Teddy as worn by Miley on TV.

While the men are dressed like Willie from the show Duck Dynasty.

Men dress like Walter White from the series Breaking Bad

Women can also dress like Walter, but are much more scantily clad.

On a woman I’ve seen a sexy banana with the peeling falling down

While the man was a bruised banana that made him look just like a clown.

True a man can wear a patch and hat and be a pirate cutie,

But the women’s pirate (did they even have them?) seems to show a lot more booty.

And the fox says let the lady give the sexy fox a whirl

While the man from the same video is in the costume of a squirrel

Yes if you stop to think about it I’m sure you’ll see just what I mean

The children are now secondary to the sex on Halloween.

So women, not to worry this Halloween, show your cleavage, have a beer

And think about the costume your daughter might wear next year…

Oh I’ll enjoy the costumes this year, it’s all part of my simple plan

To say Happy Halloween, pass out candy and be glad that I’m a man.

TWO CATS

Two stray cats went exploring out in the world one day

One found it much too boring the other bright and gay.

They came upon a lonely man looking for a pet.

He said, “I’m sorry but I can take but one, I do not need a set.”

Cat #1 said to cat #2, “You go with him to live.

I was hoping to get more out of life than what he has to give.”

Cat #2 was ecstatic he thanked the stars above.

That the first man he encountered would offer him his love.

He needn’t look any further, he did not need to roam

How lucky was Cat #2 for he’d finally found a home.

Cat #1 kept on looking but liked no one that he tried.

And never finding what he thought he wanted in time he finally died.

After many years had passed I ran into Cat #2 one day

 I said, “I have a question I must ask, answer if you may.”

“Why are you still living while your friend died long ago?

What’s your secret, please dear cat, you have to let me know!”

The cat looked at me thoughtfully and a smile crossed his brow

“After all this time it’s hard to say but I’ll try to answer now.

My friend was always searching...I’m not sure what he was looking for,

He was never happy with anything, he always wanted more.

He could not find the joy in life which I found very sad

Because he never felt contentment with the things he already had.

I was very lucky… perhaps touched from up above.

For though my life was simple it was filled with joy and love.

I stopped searching long ago for things I’d never find

And spent a life of satisfaction with purrfect piece of mind.”

As Cat #2 departed on an old park bench I sat

And contemplated the lesson I received from that old cat.

If he’s correct, and we want our lives every day to feel blessed

Then we’d be wise to follow the wisdom he professed.

For we can search the whole would over but nothing will compare

With the beauties right before us if we stop to see them there. 

THE MISUNDERSTOOD PUN

All my life I’ve heard the groans yes, since I was a little one

Because for as long as I can remember I’ve been enamored with the pun.

For instance the other day Deborah and I were out discussing bees

She said she thought they were beautiful and asked if I agreed.

I said the answer to that question is on the Apiarist’s shoulder

Because beauty, as everyone knows, is in the eye of the bee holder.

See! A pun is not only ingenious but when the joke is through

People marvel at the witticism and how funny you are too.

(Although many times I must admit once the pun is shown

Their laughter takes the shape of a grimace or a groan)

If one pun wasn’t enough evidence to make my case airtight

Here are a few more examples to help you see the light.

How do you know if your pony’s sick…why, he is a little hoarse.

What happens when all chemists die…They barium, of course!

A pun can quickly turn a wall flower into the party clown

When he says I’m reading a book on anti-gravity and I just can’t put it down.

By now you’re probably laughing so hard there’s a pain inside your chest

So I’m giving you a moment to slow down, stop and take a rest.

When you’ve dried your tears and caught your breath and you’re ready for more mirth

Read on my friends, read on, for there are more puns to unearth.

If the mathematician’s getting fat and you want to find out why

The answer’s easy, chances are he’s been eating too much Pi.

I stayed up all night to watch the sun, where it went I desperately wanted to see

Then all of a sudden in the morning the answer dawned on me.

A man whose left side was completely cut off…I bet you’re wondering how

The doctor said not to worry because the man is all right now.

There you have it; the case is closed I hope in you pun love I have awoke

And I hope you’ll join me in realizing the pun is more than just a joke.

By the way these 7 pun examples will start you on your way

I suggest you take it easy at first and use but one a day.

Why 7 you ask?  I’ll tell you what gives that number its mystique?

Because everyone knows 7 days without a pun definitely makes one weak!

It’s true laughter can be confusing so let me clear this up for you.

As people respond to your puns… boos and groans are laughter too!

And if on that rare occasion people react like you don’t think they should

Remember some of the greatest minds in history are often misunderstood.

INTERNET ADDICTION

This morning when I woke up…let me take a second to reminisce

I had an uneasy feeling as if something was amiss.

I walked around the cabin trying not to make a peep

Since it was still so early and Deborah was asleep.

But the electricity was working and the clock showed the correct time

So I sat down at my computer to post my daily rhyme.

I found the folder and opened the best poem I’ve written yet

But then I realized to my disbelief we had no internet.

I unplugged, I rebooted, I reset, I touched every key

And when all else failed at 6 A.M. I called A T & T.

I spoke to a man in India(?) who said the cause of our mayhem

Was a power outage in the area that would be fixed by 5 P. M.

5 P.M. Oh My God! There was nothing more to say.

That meant our cherished internet would be out the entire day.

5 P.M. this left me surprised, saddened, and confused

What am I going to tell Deborah? How will she take the news?

But Deborah took it like a pro, she’s a trooper through and through

So we sat down together and decided what to do.

“It’s really not so bad”, I said, “Sure it’s a huge blow.

But look, it’s already 8 o’clock…only 9 more hours to go”.

“But where will we get our news and entertainment Deborah exclaimed

And I have no idea who won last night World Series game.

Before we started to panic…an idea came to me

“Deborah!” I said picking up the remote control….” we still have our TV.”

But after watching endless videos of Miley Cyrus twerking

We switched over to Netflix to see if it was working.

It wasn’t! And I will omit our unprintable interjections

When we realized that Netfilx needs an internet connection.

So we turned it off to play a game then Deborah tried to sew

And when we were through we realized…8 more hours still to go.

“Deborah”, I said, “For 6 hours our internet’s been restricted.

Do you think, perhaps, by our reaction, that we could be addicted?”

“Don’t be silly,” Deborah said, “As we ate lunch at some Wi-Fi restaurant

“My IPAD says you’re not addicted if you can quit any time you want.”

After lunch we returned home still a little stunned.

We sat around watching uncomfortably waiting for 5:01.

“The Internet’s back,” I stuttered, as it was hard for me to speak

But Deborah was already using her IPAD as a tear fell down her cheek.

So as you can see we don’t have a problem…we have nothing to admit.

It’s not that we’re addicted, it’s just that…we don’t want to quit.

THE CEMETERY OF THE HEART

On an average day across the world 150,000 people die

Leaving many of us who are left behind to ask the question WHY?

Why him? Why her? Why now? We ask as we try desperately to cope

With our loss of balance, loss of focus, loss of desire…loss of hope.

Yesterday a friend of mine whom I’ve not seen in years

Informed me of his sister’s death and I was brought to tears.

Her death sent out ripples of sadness and when they finally my way came

I must admit, though far removed, they touched me just the same.

Cancer! How I hate that word for oftentimes cancer wins

In this case the sadness is doubled for my friend and his sister were twins.

There is no right way to cope with death, despite what the experts say

We muddle through our saddened anger and all the while we pray.

That we find a way to accept that a person we cherished is gone

And we wonder how from this point we ever will move on.

There isn’t a person among us who has ever taken a breath

That hasn’t had to deal with loss, and try to cope with death.

I’ve lost my mom and dad and other family and friends

It’s a basic fact of living that someday life must end.

At first the memory is fresh and the sadness can paralyze

Then slowly one day out of the sadness we come to realize

That the one we lost would not want us to remain sad forevermore

And we try to go on living as we once lived before.

It’s as if when death infects us, in an instant, overnight

Our world that once was filled with color, turns to black and white.

Then slowly with the help of family and friends the healing begins

And without us even knowing it the color slips back in.

And we’re able to store our memories with all the memories of those who depart

In a place I like to think of as the cemetery of the heart.

It’s a quiet often solemn place that in our heart has no parallel

The final resting place where our memories go to dwell.

Where we can walk among them any hour of any day

So the one we lost forever is never far away.

I know this may sound corny, this belief I am revealing

And I know it’s no consolation for the grief my friend is feeling

But when he is done grieving…when the healing process does start

I hope his sister finds a quiet place in the cemetery of his heart.

THE HUNTER

There’s a story out of Norway about a hunter on the loose

Who, in the forest, aimed his rifle at an unsuspecting moose!

The hunter shot but the moose never looked up, no he never even slowed

As the bullet missed him by a mile and hit a man on his commode.

The man was in his cabin’s bathroom with the doors and windows shut

When the errant bullet entered and lodged inside his gut.

He was taken to the hospital after his surprised discovery

And is expected, despite his injury, to make a full recovery.

If you think about it, this man was shot with no warning…no appeal

I wonder if he now knows how a hunted moose must feel!

The embarrassed hunter was quickly taken to the nearest police station

Where he’ll have to answer questions during his interrogation.

Does anyone else see the irony in this bumbling hunter’s plan?

How he shoot’s a man on a toilet and he ends up in the can!

While the unsuspecting moose, as fate would have it got away

To roam the forests, and if he’s lucky live another day.

If not irony then perhaps there’s poetic justice in this case

Because there’s a moose alive in Norway today with a big smile on his face.

WHEN YOU NEED A SMILE

Yesterday Sheryle an old friend of mine from a very long time ago

Decided she needed a pick-me-up as she was feeling low.

So she did something as practical as it was both clever and wise

She asked her friends for some examples to help her spirits rise.

Sheryle thought about Yosemite and asked her friends to please respond

And I was intrigued by all the answers her innocent query spawned.

It made me wonder how do we cope those times that we are sad?

What are the things that make us smile when things are looking bad?

Many people mentioned a certain city they liked and some a specific place

They call these up from memory when they need a smile on their face.

They alluded to driving down a scenic highway with the clear blue sky above

Or spending time anywhere in the world with the people whom they love.

They talked about sitting by the ocean with their feet immersed in sand

And they mentioned it’s even happier with a beverage in their hand.

As I read people’s reactions I couldn’t help but be beguiled

At the myriad of memories that induce people to smile.

It seems when you test the human spirit you never know what you will see

For you find a needed smile can emerge from the simplest memory.

How can you not smile when you see a newborn calf?

Or remember your Grandma’s cookies, or hear a baby laugh?

How can you not smile when you watch the sun ascend?

When you see an elderly couple holding hands or get a postcard from a friend?

How can you not smile when you watch your children soar?

When you walk under a moon lit night, or your dog greets you at the door.

How can you not smile when you think about Christmas Eve?

Or any family get together, or you watch the changing of the leaves?

When we’ve had a particular trying day and there’s happenings we’d like to erase

We’re lucky to have our memories to return that smile to our face.

Sheryle when you stop to think about it, what should make you smile today

Is that so many people cared enough to send a message out your way.

You see I could go on and on with more examples to recommend

But here’s one more thing to make you smile…this poem’s just come to an end. 

A CHILD FOR A DAY

If I were a child for a day, I wonder, would anyone lend an ear?

I know I’d have a lot to say…would anybody hear?

If I were a child for a day, then I think before I go

There are a few things I’d like to tell my parents, a few things I’d like them to know.

If I was a child for a day and it was my job write this rhyme

The first thing I would tell you is to give of me your time.

Yes, you should know not only for me but for every child’s sake

That just producing children does not a parent make.

You may give me gifts of money or toys that move and speak

But at the end of every day it’s time with you I seek.

I would tell you it is in your eyes that I find my self-esteem

For I know if you believe in me then I am free to dream.

I would tell you that I like to play but I’m not looking for fame.

And I don’t need a trophy just because I played the game

I would tell you it’s OK if I fail when I struggle or compete

And when I fail, for I will fail, just help me get back on my feet.

And I need to know that good or bad, from the time that I begin

You’ll love me as much the times I lose as you do the times I win.

For if you are patient with me and whatever problems life will pose

Not only will I prosper but my independence grows.

Don’t be afraid to tell me no, it will help me in the end

Remember I need you to be my parent, I don’t need another friend.

I look to you for guidance and I look to you for love.

And sometimes when I need it you can give me a little shove.

But don’t shove me too much or to both of our dismay

You may think you’re helping but you’re shoving me away.

Remember to love me unconditionally...it’s what parents are supposed to do

If you can do that no questions asked then I will love you too.

It’s not really too much to ask and I hope that you can see

By giving me these simple things there’s no telling who I might be.

If you stop to think about it we are children for only a day

Before life and its responsibilities slowly snatch our innocence away.

So before that happens let me remind you although I may be a small family member

You never know which lessons today…tomorrow I’ll remember.

THE IPAD SHUFFLE

It’s funny with all the technology available to which we have access

Unless it is our fingers and hands we exercise less and less.

But I have found the exception to this technological repercussion

That I gladly enter now into the exercise discussion.

I truly love the IPAD it has made life much better than before

But Deborah’s love borders on obsession …yes she’s and IPAD whore.

In the morning I set out her breakfast table as part of our routine

And God forbid, I forget the IPAD…it’s got her People Magazine!

“Deborah”, I say pointing out the window, “a rainbow look how beautifully it extends.”

“Uh huh,” she says ignoring me as she checks her Facebook friends.

“Deborah I’ve fallen and I can’t get up I think my bones need set!”

“Oh don’t be such a baby!” she admonishes, “I’m not through e-mailing yet.”

“Deborah?” I ask her lovingly. “Isn’t this our wedding song?”

“Turn the radio down!” she demands. “I’m in the middle of Mahjong.”

I have a high school and a college and even a Masters diploma

But I can’t seem to bring her out when she’s in a Pinterest coma.

“Deborah I say in my sexy voice it’s bedtime…I’ve even taken a shower….”

“Why would I want to go to bed?” she counters, “When my IPAD’s still has power?”

Well I can’t beat the IPAD…I admit it is as sexy as it is wise

The best I can do is keep Deborah healthy and help her exercise.

I noticed it one morning when I forgot the IPAD for her repast

She jumped up to retrieve it and I never saw her move so fast.

Interesting I said to myself in words just above a muffle

I think I’m on to something…it’s called it the IPAD shuffle.

So now when Deborah lays her IPAD down I smile, I don’t grouse

For I pick it up and move it to the four corners of the house.

Oh she panics for a second then she huffs and then she sighs

Then off she shuffles for her IPAD thus getting her exercise.

I may have lost her to the IPAD (though I never thought I would)

But I have to admit that IPAD shuffle is making her look good.

Yes, I’m not sure if her love affair with the IPAD will ever end.

But that’s OK because she’s exercising…and I’m playing Words with Friends.

THE MIRROR

When I look into the mirror I’m appalled at what I see

I do not recognize that person who is looking back at me.

I know I’m better looking, you can be assured of that.

I wonder, then, who this is, who I am looking at?

I know I look much younger and I certainly have more hair

So I can’t possibly be that person looking at me over there.

And in this crazy mirror all my muscles look so small

Now I’m certain that person over there cannot be me at all.

Look at all the lines on him and his cheeks are much too packed

It’s hard to say…I’m not quite sure…but I think this mirror’s cracked?

Is this a fun house mirror?  Am I wearing a Halloween wig?

Or could it be a magnifying glass ‘cause my ears can’t be that big.

No…wait!  On further observation looking over and over again

I see the person looking out is the same one looking in.

I’ve heard it said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder

But it’s only in the mirror I realize I’ve grown older.

Most of the time I feel younger, like when I was 20 or 32

And I think inside my head I should look much younger too.

I do not wish for a mirror that will disguise, obscure or conceal

But I’d like one that shows how old I am and how young I feel.

Then when I look into the mirror I would be happy with what I see

For it would be easier to recognize the person looking back at me.

FACES OF COURAGE

I saw him on the evening news, the soldier in his hospital bed

Whom everyone thought unconscious and unable to move his head.

But Corporal Hargis was awake…in fact he was astute

For when he was given his Purple Heart he found the strength to salute.

Thank you Corporal Hargis for your courage helps keep the rest of us free.

But your story got me to thinking about all the faces of courage I see.

I’m sure everyone has their own stories as their moments of life accrue

About the types of courage they’ve encountered…now let me tell you a few.

It was on the face of Rosa Parks when segregation she helped to defeat

In 1955 on a bus in Alabama by refusing to give up her seat.

It was on the face of Mother Theresa in a world filled with selfishness and greed

When she decided to live in poverty and help anyone in the world who’s in need.

It was etched on the face of a president whose country was in disarray

And on the faces of the furloughed workers who survived 16 days without pay.

It’s on the face of the first responders who run into trouble every day

While the rest of us thank them for their service as we run the other way.

It’s on the face of the same sex couple who now deserve our applause

As they attempt to alter peoples outdated views and change our archaic laws.

It’s on the face of everyone ever abused as a new life they try to begin.

It’s on the face of anyone who sees bullying and courageously try to step in.

It’s on the face of a parent whose child is dying, missing or has something wrong

As they endeavor to deal with their life while remaining resolute, upbeat and strong.

It on the faces of the families trying to stay brave as stoically they comb

Through the damage, debris and the rubble after nature has taken their home

It’s on the face of the young boy or girl whose about to test life and tempt fate

As they walk up to their intended’s shoulder, tap it and ask for a date.

It’s on the face of anyone in love when they slowly bend down on one knee

As they work up the nerve and the confidence to pop the question, “Will you marry me?”

Isn’t it amazing when you think about it how many faces of courage there are?

They come in all shapes and all sizes and you don’t have to look very far.

I pray Corporal Hargis and all wounded soldiers recover with no ill effects

But II have to admit in writing this poem it’s given me time to reflect.

For I also pray that the day is coming for all our service women and men

When the type of courage Corporal Hargis displayed will never be needed again.

I dream of the day when wars are but a memory and killing and fighting will cease.

I dream of a world where everyone’s equal, a world filled with love…filled with peace.

I may be too optimistic but before this idealist bids you adieu

I’ll continue to pray that people all over this world find the courage to make this dream come true.

I DO

We recently attended a beach wedding and it came with a wonderful view

As the happy couple getting married smiled and said I do.

It’s been 25 years, yes a lifetime…one we often like to review

Since in a little church in Dunedin, Deborah and I said I do.

Brenda and Carol are two close friends and this one fact is true

They’ve been together as long as Deborah and I, but have never said I do.

Oh they would have married but our country has said they’re not allowed to

So they’ve waited and waited and still wait for the day they can say I do.

And they are not alone for there are many other couples in our country who

Are waiting for the day to be treated like Deborah and me, and get a chance to say I do.

Oh there is a change in the wind as 12 states and the District of Columbia too

Allow Brenda and Carol to stand together and utter the words I do.

It begs the question for the rest of the country, Why would you, or you or you

Want to take away a couples constitutional right just to say I do.

Many refer to the bible where Adam and Eve once rendezvoused

As a reason Adam and Adam or Eve and Eve must never say I do.

But besides this archaic reason banning same sex couples from saying I do

The Bible also bans eating a ham sandwich, gossiping and tattoos.

The Bible states a man or a woman who divorce can never again say I do

Women are not allowed to talk in church, and rounded haircuts are taboo.

It seems to me the Bible makes it easy; when the day is through

Allowing bigots to take no responsibility in banning same sex I do’s

I believe they should be looking at our constitution which demands equal rights for who?

For all people, yes all the people who wish to say I do.

To me there really should be no question, it’s none of my business who

Wants to enter into matrimony by saying the words I do.

It won’t end our country as we know it…and it’s so very long overdue

It’s time for same sex couples to legally say I do.

I long for the day Brenda and Carol, and all the others who may want to

Can walk down the aisle in the state of their choice and utter the words I do.

If they want to have a beach wedding, I’ll sit back and enjoy the view.

As two of my close friends look into each other’s eyes, smile and say I do.

Who wants to follow the constitution? Who wants the truth to finally pursue?

Who wants my friends and their friends to marry? Who wants this?…I know I do?

A COUNTRY SONG

If you spend any time in the mountains it doesn’t take very long

After turning on the radio to hear a country and western song.

Country music is often as sweet as listening to the birds

Not only can you catch the beat but you understand the words.

Country music has recurring themes at least from what I hear

For instance if you sing about a tractor, it’s got to be John Deere.

You must travel down an old dirt road in tires without tread

And sit behind the wheel of your pick-up truck…that’s red.

In the back of that red pick-up as down that dusty road you do slog

Sits Dude, or Jessie, or Cowboy, you’re best friend, yep…he’s your dog.

You sing about what happened last night and how low your life has sunk

‘Cause you didn’t leave the bar till two and as usual…you were drunk.

You wonder about last night…was that you’re girl you were kissing?

And when you woke way past noon today, why’d your gun have bullets missing?

The next day you see the farmer’s daughter and quickly take her aside

To apologize for everything and ask her to be your bride.

You tell her you’re not perfect… yes your drinking makes you flawed

And you ask her to forgive and marry you…both in the name of God.

You have a moonlit wedding, yes your country through and through

Your pick-up’s red, your brides in white and you’re jeans are Wrangler blue.

In no time at all you’re singing about your family and your luck

As you wonder how so many people can fit in that old truck.

Not to worry if you have a problem as you drive your kids to school

In the glove compartment is your duct tape and all your Craftsmen tools.

Oh you’ve got to love country music it’s American through and through

It makes you smile, it makes you cry and makes you thirsty too.

And if you miss your favorite song don’t feel guilt, regret or shame

‘Cause the next song on the radio will probably sound the same.

There are many reasons I love the mountains, the list is very long

And on that list is tuning in the radio to hear a country song.